I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
