My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
