I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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