seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
