i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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