I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
