The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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