The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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