dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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