I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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