Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
