I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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