remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
