Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
