Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
