I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
