Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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