you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Im part way to drunk.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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