just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We had to coat check the pizza.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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