I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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