We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
