There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
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