I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
