What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
and you fell through a lawn chair
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
