I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
