So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
