Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
