Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
