Plan B is the new Plan A
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
