i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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