I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
