i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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