Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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