Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
