Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
We need to get me chipped asap
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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