Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
