i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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