WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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