I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I will be naked everywhere
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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