So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
