1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
