the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
