I am puke
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
