You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
