i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
