i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
