Fine. I'll sleep in my office
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
