Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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