He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
