Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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