i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
