In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
