I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
