did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize