Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
