oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize