So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
being pregnant is like rehab
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize