im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just had sex bonerless
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
