when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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