You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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