Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
