Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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