you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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