i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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