my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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