apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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