I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize