I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize