I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
