This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
