she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
