my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
