The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
